[stella diver x]

tercat, on 06 March 2011 - 01:10 PM, said:

ThenGo, your story seems very relevant to me. About a year ago I had a scare where I had very good reason to believe that I might have a brain tumor. Everything has turned out fine, but that experience really changed how I look at things. Any of us could be a diagnosis or an accident away from approaching death. Not to be morbid... on the contrary, it's just made me appreciate more that I only have one life, and I want to LIVE it. And I've been finding out more about what that might mean for me.

geez ter... sorry to hear that but glad you're ok and understandable your new found zest for life.

[LolaE Taylor]

tercat, on 06 March 2011 - 07:10 PM, said:

ThenGo, your story seems very relevant to me. About a year ago I had a scare where I had very good reason to believe that I might have a brain tumor. Everything has turned out fine, but that experience really changed how I look at things. Any of us could be a diagnosis or an accident away from approaching death. Not to be morbid... on the contrary, it's just made me appreciate more that I only have one life, and I want to LIVE it. And I've been finding out more about what that might mean for me.

Seconded on SDX thoughts went through something similar due to migraine situation symptoms started to change and intensify and it was scary to say the very least, glad you are ok Tercat

Having read many posts in here I have just realized that this is something which I have been going though for months now. Decisions made back at a point in my life they where deemed the best for me but now it seems they are holding me back ~ so at what stage does the healthy choice shift and become the wrong one?

I shut off my emotional side due to a catalogue of severe losses some time ago. It wasn't something which was undertaken lightly but decided in order not be engulfed by grief and loss the best way for me would be to shift perspective and approach from a logical standpoint not emotional. That been said now some years later the consequences of my actions cannot be denied, I have forfeited on a relationship which may or may not had the potential to be something special, I will never know for sure all because I was terrified of letting someone else in through fear of being hurt again.

[tercat]

Thanks, guys. I didn't talk about it at all at the time because I was just too scared. It was too real. I didn't have headaches so much, but I had a sort of blind spot in one eye and apparently had a swollen optic nerve. It was very scary. Had to have an MRI and the whole bit. We never really figured out what caused it, but the problem seems to have gone away. Unless you have been through it, you can't imagine what it's like to sit in a doctor's office and have the doc tell you that you DO NOT have a tumor. I think I literally cheered.

Life is all about changes, so I think it's inevitable that some re-evaluations happen--and that they should happen--as we grow. At the same time, there are some decisions that you have to live with. You can't make them lightly. But as SDX was saying earlier, a lot of life is about your perspective, how you look at things, and how you approach living with the life you've got right now.

[EtoileMaris]

I've hesitated to post in this thread but I've been following.

Ter - moments like these - that terrify us to the core are the ones that make us most grateful for being alive.
Lola - I firmly believe we make the best decisions we thought the moment we make them. Sure hindsight is always 20/20 but perhaps this regret will allow you to love better the next person that was truly destined for you.
ThenGo - I can't imagine that you went through but for you to realize how loved and fortunate you are gave you the edge to heal. And to be able to realize what is toxic and how to break free. I think you were blessed, granted a reset button few are really given access to.

Life is all about the good and the bad and how they shape you and your perspective. It's important to realize that you are the sum of all that you have been, done, said and lived (tangible or not). Without the awful, you would not be able to enjoy the sunshine, and the simpler things in life, or be grateful to be alive.

I was profoundly religious and I believe that time in my life is what kept me insulated from being true and real to my reality. When I lost my religion, I was finally able to be me.

I've been from riches to rags to riches again. I have a big operation waiting for me in May. Who knows what happens. There are always odds that can make life shorter than we plan it to be. This is why seizing the day is so important. This is what gives me the courage to speak my mind. I have seen death too young, felt hungry in a gilded castle, felt alone in a crowd. Today, I can say that every moment is precious and should I leave this world tomorrow, my life will have been worth living.

Life is beautiful in its ugliness. Carpe diem.

[ThenGo]

Ter, I am so sorry to hear you had to go through such a scare. The waiting is excruciating and it is so hard to not allow your mind get away from you. I am so thankful everything is OK now.

Lola, I absolutely understand shutting yourself off as a form of protection. After my accident, I knew I wasn't the same person and I struggled with "who am I now that I'm not who I used to be?" I was totally engulfed by friends and some (yes, "some") family, who took care of everything so all I had to do was recover. However, as I got stronger, I pulled away because I found it too stressful to have to try and be who I was before. It was much easier to try out my new self with others who didn't know me before. I made friends with people from PT and other places. Eventually, I worked my way back and I am so thankful my family & friends were patient & gave me the space I needed as I worked it all out.

I made some wholesale changes. I took stock of the things/activities/people in my life. I decided they fell into two categories. They either fed me or sucked me dry. It wasn't easy, but I extracted myself from the blood suckers (both people and circumstances) which left room & energy for what & who really mattered. And I've never looked back. In some ways I wonder why I had to go through a life-changing experience to realize what should have been obvious. I'd say, Lola, you've taken the first steps of awareness and all you need to do is take some deep breaths and big steps. Trust it to be what's best for you and as Mod1 said earlier, any mistakes are just experiences leading towards growth.

[tercat]

EtoileMaris, I very much hope that your operation goes smoothly. In the meantime, I get the impression that you get all that you can out of life, and I think that's a wonderful thing. It's good to know you! :D

ThenGo, I can't even imagine what you must have gone through. You seem to have come out of it with a very rich and healthy life. You got this chance and did a lot with it!

[ThenGo]

EtoileMaris, on 06 March 2011 - 06:17 PM, said:

I've hesitated to post in this thread but I've been following.

Ter - moments like these - that terrify us to the core are the ones that make us most grateful for being alive.
Lola - I firmly believe we make the best decisions we thought the moment we make them. Sure hindsight is always 20/20 but perhaps this regret will allow you to love better the next person that was truly destined for you.
ThenGo - I can't imagine that you went through but for you to realize how loved and fortunate you are gave you the edge to heal. And to be able to realize what is toxic and how to break free. I think you were blessed, granted a reset button few are really given access to.

Life is all about the good and the bad and how they shape you and your perspective. It's important to realize that you are the sum of all that you have been, done, said and lived (tangible or not). Without the awful, you would not be able to enjoy the sunshine, and the simpler things in life, or be grateful to be alive.

I was profoundly religious and I believe that time in my life is what kept me insulated from being true and real to my reality. When I lost my religion, I was finally able to be me.

I've been from riches to rags to riches again. I have a big operation waiting for me in May. Who knows what happens. There are always odds that can make life shorter than we plan it to be. This is why seizing the day is so important. This is what gives me the courage to speak my mind. I have seen death too young, felt hungry in a gilded castle, felt alone in a crowd. Today, I can say that every moment is precious and should I leave this world tomorrow, my life will have been worth living.

Life is beautiful in its ugliness. Carpe diem.

I will be sending my very best positive vibes for you this spring. I know it's unsettling and I can't wait until this is behind you and you are healed and ready for summer. Cyberhugs!

[EtoileMaris]

tercat, on 06 March 2011 - 06:27 PM, said:

EtoileMaris, I very much hope that your operation goes smoothly. In the meantime, I get the impression that you get all that you can out of life, and I think that's a wonderful thing. It's good to know you! :D

ThenGo, I can't even imagine what you must have gone through. You seem to have come out of it with a very rich and healthy life. You got this chance and did a lot with it!

ThenGo, on 06 March 2011 - 08:59 PM, said:

I will be sending my very best positive vibes for you this spring. I know it's unsettling and I can't wait until this is behind you and you are healed and ready for summer. Cyberhugs!

You are both too sweet. I'm sure I'll be fine but thanks for the well wishes.

I hope everyone finds what they are seeking for.

I've seen both my parents die bitter, lonely and hurt. The harsh reality is that it was ultimately their choice. I just get concerned when I see people I care for become overwhelmed by things that are out of our control.

Life is what you make it, right?

Take the drama and emotion out, boil it down to facts, break it into smaller manageable bites and just get it done.

You can cry because you have lost, or you can smile because you still have your life. It's up to you.

[Bluest_Light]

http://www.funnyforumpics.com/forums/This-Thread-Delivers/1/ike_where_this_thread_is_going-vi.jpg

[stella diver x]

^ You killed it, bitch.

EtoileMaris, on 06 March 2011 - 09:30 PM, said:

You can cry because you have lost, or you can smile because you still have your life. It's up to you.

This is so true...
In a group yesterday, a group i am already in love with cause they are intelligent and lovely people. Discussion was loss and grief.. etc. We came to the conclusion that everyone revisits these things in life wether it be loss of a job, pet, relationship, relative. It is inevitable. What we tend to do is freak out and try to find ways to distract ourselves. The old saying that when you say... break up with someone best thing is to keep yourself busy, the worst thing is to sit and dwell. The truth, however, is that you have to face that pain at some point, you can delay/prolong it with distractions, vacations, drowning in alcohol,abusing substances, sleeping too much, go to therapy and get medicated, but these aren't ways of processing it. The best thing you can do is let that painful emotion hit you, preferably while you're alone, and sit with it, acknowledge it, cry through it, whatever you feel just ACCEPT it. Then if you wanna journal it or whatever, fine. Point is, the best way to deal with those heavy losses/feelings is to actually DEAL with them and not pretend they aren't there, denying they exist.. they'll creep up on you somehow, and facing them is the only path to healing. It just struck me cause we tend to do the opposite, we dont want anyone to sit around and feel bad, of course not, not for any extended time. I think that is what leads to depression. The trick is to allow those painful emotions to exist and face them, ever notice how you feel better after a really good cry? And you may have to do that several times, every time it hits you...
Maybe this way you don't get trapped in negative thinking cycles, feeling sorry for yourself, inability to forgive, consumed with guilt, all those nasty things that can lead to actual physical health problems.
How will we deal with sicknesses that strike us or loved ones, catastrophes, deaths, loss..
My grandmother turns 80 this weekend and shes been not the best health wise. I am already preparing myself to find a way to deal with losses when they hit, cause the way i dealt with the last two big losses (death of my father, divorce) was the most destructive and harmful way, and hurt everyone around me as I was hell bent on hurting myself. I don't care to spend another decade making choices that make things worse, a negative attitude, bitterness, and denial are sure paths to harm and wasting the good life you could be having. Right now..


/sermon over.

[EtoileMaris]

You are absolutely right Stella:

"The best thing you can do is let that painful emotion hit you, preferably while you're alone, and sit with it, acknowledge it, cry through it, whatever you feel just ACCEPT it. "

Not dealing with is just the worst thing to do because it will creep back up on you. I have a friend that was in an incredibly violent and abusive relationship. She was raped and beaten routinely after she became pregnant with that douche bag's child. She had the mind to get the fuck out of dodge when the baby was born. She repressed all the pain and hurt and it caught up with her when she finally was able to come back to Canada. Needless to say, she went on a full on BURN OUT. It took her 2 whole years to be able to function in society again. Don`t deny how you feel. You need to face it, no matter how excrutiatingly painful it is. Acknowledge, seek the help you need and then for the love of sanity, forgive YOURSELF. Then, move on. Close the chapter and don`t look back.

Allow yourself to be weak. but be strong enough to realize that you can always choose how things affect you. It`s not the hand you are dealt that matters, it`s how you play the hand.

[ThenGo]

SDX & Etoile, you are both so right. The only way to the other end of pain is to go through it. I really take exception to the standard grief response, "time will heal." There's nothing magically about time in and of itself. It's what you do with that time that makes a difference.

[interpolMOD1]

tercat, on 06 March 2011 - 03:10 PM, said:

ThenGo, your story seems very relevant to me. About a year ago I had a scare where I had very good reason to believe that I might have a brain tumor. Everything has turned out fine, but that experience really changed how I look at things. Any of us could be a diagnosis or an accident away from approaching death. Not to be morbid... on the contrary, it's just made me appreciate more that I only have one life, and I want to LIVE it. And I've been finding out more about what that might mean for me.

A few years back, a friend found out she has an inoperable tumor in her head. She was basically told something like "get yourself a shovel, because you're in deep shit." I'm sure the doctor didn't word it so uncouth, but she changed her life greatly from that. Prior to this information, she was attending Hunter College (like me) and involved with some super-brainiac guy attending NYU as a doctor. They planned on getting married and she pretty much had her life planned out for her with comfort. He was sure to provide. Anyway, afterwards she dropped him and started living a much more vivacious life. I don't really know what she's up to these days, but I bumped into her in the supermarket in the last year or so and she was with some dude shopping like normal people do. Not sure if she knows I know, because a mutual friend told me, but to say the information of her confirmed mortality had an immediate effect on her life plans is a gross understatement.

Also, thanks everyone for your posts. I geek out for threads like this. It appeals to my favorite things: reading and thinking. Also, it's easy to think only one way inside one's own skin and I love multiple perceptions, even if they challenge my own.

[EtoileMaris]

interpolMOD1, on 17 March 2011 - 06:52 PM, said:

A few years back, a friend found out she has an inoperable tumor in her head. She was basically told something like "get yourself a shovel, because you're in deep shit." I'm sure the doctor didn't word it so uncouth, but she changed her life greatly from that. Prior to this information, she was attending Hunter College (like me) and involved with some super-brainiac guy attending NYU as a doctor. They planned on getting married and she pretty much had her life planned out for her with comfort. He was sure to provide. Anyway, afterwards she dropped him and started living a much more vivacious life.

I am not surprised by this. Because we act as if we will live forever when we don`t. It's sobering to think that things would be different if your expiration date would be obvious.

I've been guilty of thinking about things like that. Not on love. But on other mundane things like drug use. Ever since I saw "Little Miss Sunshine" with the old grand father indulging in hard drugs. I thought to myself, if I knew the end was near, would I want to try the things I otherwise never would.

But having seen death consume so many, seeing last breaths with my own eyes, touching a body that was once warm grow cold over the hour. It changes you, forever. Something dies inside of you when you realize that you will never ever hear that person`s voice again. You become part of a club that you can never, ever leave.

I like to ponder these things. March is a painful month for me. But it also reminds me that I am alive.

[LolaE Taylor]

Realisation that true/unconditional love is both a curse and a blessing at the same time, just came back from seeing 'Pol and had alot of time to reflect on where I am. Feeling that I was depressed only to realise instead I was being suppressed by a member of my own family having their needs selfishly forced in place before my own. I have never had the easiest relationship with my Mother mainly due to her parental skills parallel to that of Kronos.... The issue with true/unconditional love when its there it is the most precious thing we could ever hope to have in our life, but when it leaves either due to separation or death the hole that it leaves can be almost impossible to fill. My Grandmother passed away many years ago and the void she left has never been replaced and the attempt to establish some form of relationship with my Mother always seems to fall short as my expectation of unconditional acceptance and her ability to love anything other than herself never seem to go hand in hand

The same goes for true love having had that and lost it due to timing being wrong, it makes it difficult to approach a new relationship when my perspective is it will pail in comparison to the previous therefore sealing the nail into the coffin before it has truly begun. I know that it is not the best idea to approach any new situation personal or professional with expectation but being the type of person who is all or nothing the latter would be a better choice as on this I cant seem to fathom a compromise.

[EtoileMaris]

LolaE Taylor, on 24 March 2011 - 04:00 AM, said:

Realisation that true/unconditional love is both a curse and a blessing at the same time, just came back from seeing 'Pol and had alot of time to reflect on where I am. Feeling that I was depressed only to realise instead I was being suppressed by a member of my own family having their needs selfishly forced in place before my own. I have never had the easiest relationship with my Mother mainly due to her parental skills parallel to that of Kronos.... The issue with true/unconditional love when its there it is the most precious thing we could ever hope to have in our life, but when it leaves either due to separation or death the hole that it leaves can be almost impossible to fill. My Grandmother passed away many years ago and the void she left has never been replaced and the attempt to establish some form of relationship with my Mother always seems to fall short as my expectation of unconditional acceptance and her ability to love anything other than herself never seem to go hand in hand

The same goes for true love having had that and lost it due to timing being wrong, it makes it difficult to approach a new relationship when my perspective is it will pail in comparison to the previous therefore sealing the nail into the coffin before it has truly begun. I know that it is not the best idea to approach any new situation personal or professional with expectation but being the type of person who is all or nothing the latter would be a better choice as on this I cant seem to fathom a compromise.

Lola, I can't fathom what it's like to have a steel maiden as your mother. I have a friend whose mother was manic and would jump from being super mom to disappearing for days, even weeks on end, leaving her to fend for herself with her brother. Her grand mother played a big role in her life and when she passed away, it too left her a big void. She chose, after many attempts to mend the broken relationship with her mother, to finally call it quits. She figured that even though she was supposed to love her mother, the love was at too great a cost. Her family has become her daughter and her friends.

My beau has also been through fazes of cutting his mother out of his life completely. That story is a sordid mess on its own. As selfish as it may sound, I am relieved that she has gone to the great beyond. The damage she would cause would be constant source of stress. She always put herself in front of her son's needs and used emotional extortion for money, time, favors.

As for me, for all the pain and sorrow I feel for losing my father, I feel anger and resentment for my mother. She also passed away less than a year after my father. I will be visiting her grave for the first time at Easter since she passed away 4 years ago. I didn't even want to attend her funeral. I was by her bedside when she passed away. For the first time in my life, I felt resentment and rage inside of me. I didn't cry. I don't believe I've cried yet for her. I can't imagine what it will be like.

Lola, don't let your parents and a bad relationship taint your ability to love and be loved. Nothing is unconditional, ever. But abandon in the moment, that is where bliss lives, even if temporary.

[stella diver x]

^ Sage advice.

[LolaE Taylor]

ThenGo, on 06 March 2011 - 11:18 PM, said:

Ter, I am so sorry to hear you had to go through such a scare. The waiting is excruciating and it is so hard to not allow your mind get away from you. I am so thankful everything is OK now.

Lola, I absolutely understand shutting yourself off as a form of protection. After my accident, I knew I wasn't the same person and I struggled with "who am I now that I'm not who I used to be?" I was totally engulfed by friends and some (yes, "some") family, who took care of everything so all I had to do was recover. However, as I got stronger, I pulled away because I found it too stressful to have to try and be who I was before. It was much easier to try out my new self with others who didn't know me before. I made friends with people from PT and other places. Eventually, I worked my way back and I am so thankful my family & friends were patient & gave me the space I needed as I worked it all out.

I made some wholesale changes. I took stock of the things/activities/people in my life. I decided they fell into two categories. They either fed me or sucked me dry. It wasn't easy, but I extracted myself from the blood suckers (both people and circumstances) which left room & energy for what & who really mattered. And I've never looked back. In some ways I wonder why I had to go through a life-changing experience to realize what should have been obvious. I'd say, Lola, you've taken the first steps of awareness and all you need to do is take some deep breaths and big steps. Trust it to be what's best for you and as Mod1 said earlier, any mistakes are just experiences leading towards growth.

Thanks Thengo I finally have been able to view this situation with the much needed openness that is necessary here, the changes that are needed are happening however slowly but also having to deal with the fall out of my decisions and face that from an emotional perspective instead of detached and rectify the situation by offering an apology then hopefully move on

[Rosebud]

Every time an ex-boyfriend/former love interest gets engaged/married, I have a mini-existential crisis. It's not that there are feelings there but it makes me stop and think about my own life and if I'm on the path I'm supposed to be on. If I ended up marrying any of them, my life would have turned out so much differently...

[Rosebud]

^ Stupid Facebook creates roads I want broken. We have mutual friends.

[tercat]

Not every break-up is a long-term disaster. I still keep in touch with one of my exes. We dated in high school, and relative to where we are now... we were just kids then. We have loads of mutual friends. I attended his wedding. I can't say it wasn't a TINY bit weird... but only a very tiny bit. Mostly I was totally happy for him. Our lives turned out well in the grand scheme. We took what we learned in our youthful romance and used it as a part of building good things for ourselves moving forward.

Of course, other break-ups (maybe most??) are much less positive and much more messy. Another ex and I have at least one very close mutual friend, but I haven't communicated with that ex at all in something like ten years. That ex is much more of a bridge burner in general. But if time doesn't heal all wounds it at least creates an increasingly comfortable cushion of distance--even with things like facebook, time works.

[Rosebud]

In full disclosure, sometimes curiosity gets the better of me and I wonder "what ever happened to ___?" and I end up asking someone or looking it up on FB.

I don't think there are necessarily wounds there, but I just think "what would have happened if WE had ended up going long-term and getting married"?

Now if only I can figure out why I continually date guys who turn out non-committal and drunk.
(Is it them, is it me?) Humm....

[Rosebud]

I'm never sure how to pick up if a guy that is non-committal (if anyone knows, give me tips!) but the drunk part usually shows up in the first few weeks. When all our plans involve alcohol, yup, I've done it again--another drunk.

sfive, on 24 October 2011 - 06:16 AM, said:

Maybe find some guy that wants to settle down and doesn't like to drink.

Thats what I'm working toward, but is kinda hard. Obviously he wouldn't be at a bar. Where would a guy like this be?